Fear vs Faith

Some things are just too difficult to talk about or think about and definitely to blog about. So do we let pain or the probability of pain make our choices for us? Where do we draw the line in our fear and our faith and choose one or the other? Or is pain part of God's way of helping us make a decision?......Well this is where I'm at right now. My husband and I have discussed having another baby.....not anytime soon mind you, but eventually. But as most who know me, know what difficulty we had getting my youngest Zoey here healthy. And it was very difficult, worrying that everyday while she was in my womb, my antibodies were destroying here red blood cells. Of coarse you can't tell now by looking at her or being in her presence for only one minute. But it was a constant worry with a little fear and a whole lot of faith mixed in. So do I want to take the chances again of having another blessing added to our lives in the form of a child or the chance of having that blessing taken away like Noah was. That kind of pain never goes away and never has completely healed. The wound is still there though it isn't as deep as it once was. God heals in His own time. But am I Strong enuff to chance it? Most days I would say that I could be strong enuff, but then there are days when the pain of losing Noah still takes my breath and confidence and even part of my faith. I know that I didn't really lose Noah, because I know exactly where he is, but the pain of not having him here to watch him grow and to love him in my arms is not something I want to go thru again. But........I want another baby. My girls have been such a gift and a joy in my life that I want to increase that love and joy by creating another life to feel growing and moving inside me, to hear cry for the first time and to love their whole life through. Being a mother is my most difficult job but my most rewarding one. If its not in God's plan to increase our family with another creation of life from my husband and I then, I can live with it and be happy. I know I have been blessed far beyond what I deserve already. So I will leave it in God's hands for now and ask Him that He give me the strength to go thru whatever He has planned for me.....

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Hot tubbin it at Nana and Papa's!

This is the view from Luke's apartment balcony.

We took the girls down to dad's rig for a visit

and he took us to see the dinosaurs.

Goofy sisters!

Emari is wearing Papa's hard hat.

We made cupcakes for Christmas and are

singing happy birthday to Jesus!

This is a tradition I wanted my girls to have.

Posing under the Christmas tree.

Zoey is posing too.

The Williams' Christmas

Great News

The lump is benign! NO CANCER! YEAH!

post-Surgery and More Bugs....

Well, I came through surgery, though I'd have to admit it was an other-worldly expierence. And I mean that very literally. As usual the nurses had a hard time starting an IV on me so they opted to give me all the medicince thru IM injection (my butt, in laymans terms). And apparently the medicine they gave me to put me under, is not given to humans that often, due to it hallucengenic effects. The drug is Ketamine (i'm almost sure). And if I were to be drug tested according to mom, I would come up positive for PCP. I didn't like this medicine in the least little bit. I drifted off to some other place, like how people who have been abducted by aliens decribe it. The whole place was white and there were always lights over head. I kept trying to relax because deep down I knew that they wouldn't let me die, but that unsure and out-of-control feeling was very, very scary. And then the transistion from the world I had visited to the real world was very hard on me. My hands and arms were spasming and vibrating. I kept trying to get someone to help me, but was afraid of what was on the other side of my blocked vision. I couldn't open my eyes except for seconds at a time and would only catch glimpses of what was going on around me. But there was a definate moment of realization that I was back in the real world when I realized I had to pee really badly.
Trying to recover from that aweful medicine wasn't fun at all. Even for hours after I got home, I couldn't open my eyes without the world spinning my stomach in convulsions, to see my girls. Which have been very good about the whole thing. They understood that mama has a owie on her boobie and has a really big bandaid. So they didn't jump on me or try to make me hold them, especially the first few days. What compasionate angels I have. And as mom commented on the last entry, she was suppose to go to the hospital with me, but both girls ended up puking all night so she stayed with them and dad went with me. My parents are wonderful.
Then in the midst of recovering, 2 days after surgery, I get the stomach virus for the 2nd time in 3 weeks and spent all night puking my guts up. Oh it was so miserable......I hope all the sickness and swelling and pain are on their way out and don't make another apperence. I need a break, a healthy one.

surgery and bugs

Tomorrow is surgery day for me. I'm not nervous right now like I was before. Someone must be praying for peace of mind for me. Thanks. The procedure is called a ultrasound guided needle localized biopsy. In other words the radioligist is gonna use an ultrasound machine to stick a wire into the lump so that the doctor can know where it is exactly and take it all out to biopsy. It seems to be non-cancerous, but this is the only way to be 100% sure. With my medical history and luck I don't want to take any chances. So by time most of you read this I will probably be out of surgery and recovering. I should be home by tomorrow afternoon.

And on top of all of this, Emari has caught to stomach bug all of the rest of us have had since Christmas. She threw up a few hours ago.....I hope she isn't sick all night....poor baby.

I will try and update you as soon as possible on my recovery and Emari's bug.....

Our last few days together

Our last few days together......that is really sad. We went to OKC the day before Wes was to fly out and stayed at a hotel (thanks mom). We took the girls to the zoo to see all of the animals. We had a wonderful time as a family. These are a few of the captured moments caught on film...

And this one is in here because she is just so darn cute!

a few Christmas snaps

These are a few photos from Christmas. The little princess and Tinkerbell jeeps were bought for the girls by their aunt Ericka. They just love them. Right now I keep them in the house since its cold outside and they ride them in the house. Zoey doesn't like pushing the button to make it go but instead she pushes it with her feet. And Emari with her fix-it kinda mind will sit beside the 4-wheeler and push the button and watch the wheels turn, trying to figure out how it works. They are so silly.

And the rest of the pics are from our first official Christmas just as a family. We have always done our Christmas with my parents but this year we decided to wait and have our own Christmas holiday together.

the new year begins

Happy New Year!
This is the time of the year when promises are made and people dream of what they really want. I have never been one for resolutions, in fact I can't recall ever making one. I know myself well enuff to know that I don't want to vow to change something just because its the "time of year" to do it. I guess you could say I'm not one to conform to things just because its the thing to do. I know there is good reasoning behind the whole resolution movement, but I'm sure (not for a fact but by educated guess) that the majority of all of the promises to change are broken by the end of the first week......so my question is.... what is the point?! Why do we only really think about dieting or organizing or saving money at the beginning of the year? And what happens that people can't really keep that commitment they so desperately need to make?
I wish I knew the answers to all these questions because I'm sure that I'd be rich with selling how to fix it.

And as I sit and think about this new year and what I want to accomplish in it, I wonder what path I will go down. And wonder what paths my friends and family with walk down too. I want more than anything good clear paths that aren't too steep or slippery for all of my loved ones. I wish that all of their deepest desires match the desires of God and He grants them upon them as soon as possible. And I hope that love is the most important priority in the daily lives of all of those close to my heart. Love is always the answer because it is never far away.

Again I wish you a very blessed and happy new year.