My dearest Wesley

My husband, Wesley, is really an amazing person. He has his faults, but who doesn't. The thing I love most about him is the way he loves me and the girls. Ever since I met him in July of 2005, at one of the lowest and humiliating points in my life, he has always been a friend and encourager. And he always let me know that I was special, even in ways I wouldn't or couldn't let myself see. At the beginning of what turned out to be "us", we were both fighting demons and struggling to find out which way we were suppose to go from there. And I think that God has bigger plans than any of us can ever truly understand. I wouldnt change a thing about where my path has led me. I wouldn't change the drug abuse, or spiraling depression, or even the crippling humiliation I began to suffer only a short time before I met Wesley. Because to give up and change that part of my life, would be to give up and change the life I have now. And I wouldnt even dream about it. I think even losing Noah, is part of the pathway that started my journey to my husband. Several years ago, I prayed earnestly, that God would prepare the man that I was to call my husband to be at a place where he could accept me as I was........and little did I know what I was really praying for.......I guess it translated into God's ear that I was gonna need someone to love me and accept me as a broken and shattered person who needed help being restored. And I'm still nowhere near being completely restored, but my heart is no longer shattered into pieces, my husband, my family and my girls are the glue that hold it together as God gently holds us all together. Without God's all-knowing wisdom and constant love for me, I would be drifting in the dark sea alone. But He has blessed me with a great guy that I know He has wonderful things laid before, if only Wes will realize how wonderful he really is and become the man God intended. Everyday and every step, my husband is becoming that man. I couldn't love him more if he were to stay the same, but Wesley is constantly working on changing the not-so-great things about him, so that he can be a better father and better husband. I will always love him for giving up things that have been a part of himself for so long, just because he loves his family. And I pray that I am the wife he needs to be the man he wants to be. I love my husband, more so now than the day I married him. I pray that our marriage is the most important relationship between us on this earth, because every other relationship can only be enhanced because of it. And I pray that our girls see only the love that their mom and dad share and want that same kind of love............the truly special kind.

The latest

These are some of the latest pics of the girls from this last weekend. Most of them are taken at Quartz Mountain lake. I just love taking pictures and it just so happens that I have a few beautiful targets to aim my camera at................

There is also a picture that I added at the bottom of the entire blog page of Zoey's hands......take a look......

Best Friends til the end......

Well, Marsha, one of my best friends, has come and gone.....of coarse it's bitter-sweet. When you grow up in a small town, you never really think about distance and never being very far from something important. Because everything and everyone you know is only a few blocks away..........not hundreds of miles. We have all grown-up, despite our attempts not to. We have all gone thru some of our worst times while being friends, with Amber losing her mom, Marsha going thru a terrible relationship and losing a husband, and me losing my first child......And even though our lives and circumstances didnt let us be there for each other like we might have wanted to, I think all of us, with out a doubt, knew the other was with them in their heart. And no matter how long its been since we have talked to each other or even see each other, we seem to pickup right where we left off......Best friends are the ones who see you standing in the downpour of a storm, and dont neccessarily offer you an umberella, but stand there beside you and get soaked too. There have been times when I wanted to smack both of them for doing stupid stuff and not seeing their world the way I was seeing it, and I'm sure they have thought the same of me a time or two, but as a friend I never butt-in or interjected, because I knew both of them well enuff to know that they had to figure it out and learn on their own, and knew that I would just have to be there when the fall came, sometimes harder than I wanted to see, but there to help soften the blow none the less.

I cant say that these two nutts I call best friends have been my friends the longest or even the ones I have the most in common with, but there is a special bond between the three of us that others might not see, and I'm not even sure I can define it into words, but it's there, always. All three of us are about as different as books on a shelf, and each of us has a different story, but each of us has chapters that wouldnt be complete without the others......Marsha is the high-tech business woman who flies to Chicago and California and different other places for meetings. And who is the boss and has people working under her. The one who works in the "big city" and deals with traffic and deadlines everyday. She can be completely serious one minute and strangley goofy the next. She likes to take risks and do things spur of the moment, even though its a little harder to do now with a family. She is a devoted mother to all three of her children. And goes to every practice, every game, and every school event, even though sometimes what she'd really like is just to sit and relax for a few hours. But this busy life fits her personality, because Marsha thrives on something new happening all the time. She wouldn't make it long in my world or Ambers. And speaking of Amber.....she amazes me as much as Marsha does. Amber lives a little more laid back and in the country or "the sticks" as I like to call it. She also works during the week, but what amazes me most is her ability to accept people and see beyond the situation. Amber on most days has 6-7 "kids' she is responsible for. Bless her heart, she has taken on someone else's children to raise, when it didnt seem that thier mother was able to. And teenagers at that..... And she has two younger ones of her own that have sports games and dance recitals to attend. She loves people easily and forgives sometimes too quickly in my opinion, but she is soft hearted and very loyal, despite a few mistakes of her own. She sticks and stays in the boat when the waves of life have given her reason to abandon ship, and that takes a lot of devotion and love.

Both of my best friends are beautiful addtions to the flower garden of my life. They may be wild flowers, and planted in akward places but they are permanent residents of my colorful, well chosen flower garden.

Ross

Well, this is Uncle Ross. My girls just adore him. I think that he inherited the natural draw to kids from my dad. He is also known as the "fave"...... as in the favorite uncle. He named himself this right after Emari was born. Sometimes, well a lot of times, Emari would rather be with him than me or Wesley. I can completely trust my girls with him and know without a doubt that they would be taken care of. He is such a great guy. He is one of my protectors even though he is my little brother. He is so amazingly hilarious sometimes, especially when him and Luke (the other brother) are together. He is devoutly devoted to his family, and is a big mama's baby...... I pray for the girl who will take him away, because she will almost have to be perfect......not that she has to be perfect to fit into our family, but perfect for 2 reasons.......one: she has to fill in perfectly worn out shoes my mom's been wearing, and two: (the most important) she has to be as close to perfect as possible because that's what my brother deserves..... I love you Ross! Thanks for being a great brother and uncle.

Music

Hey everyone! I have learned how to add music to my blog page. You can pick from any of the 10 songs you want to listen to......just click on the song...... Not all 10 songs show, you have to move your cursor over the playlist and scroll up or down.

I definitely recommend any of the Casting Crowns songs or Third Day songs. Especially either "Slow Fade" or "Thief". If you choose to listen to them......really listen to the words, Beware because if your heart has ever belonged to God, then they will effect you. "Slow Fade" is about how we lose what is important to us a little at a time, when we could have done something about it a long time ago. And "Thief" is the first hand account of the thief that was hung on the cross beside Jesus. And I know that if I were living back then, I wonder if it would be me up there hanging beside Him too.....would I be the repentent thief, or the one hammering in the nails? The same choice is now in front of us......

But Please, enjoy the music.

My goofy girls

Emari is having a very in depth convo with someone very important!

And learning the fine art of "peek-a-boo".

Emari has been watchin too much TV, she's tryin to cook her baby!

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Zoey hasn't quite got the hang of potty training yet.

And is having fun making faces at the fish.

The girls hot-roddin around at papa's.

OUR HOME

Well, we (wesley, emari, zoey, and I) have been working really hard the last few days on our yard. Cutting down trees and hauling them over the fence, raking and bagging leaves that I'm sure havent been raked in years. Our place is slowly becoming the sanctuary we want it to be, but it'll be a long time before its exactly the way we want it........if that even happens in real life...... my dad says there is always something that we'll want to do or change. And that's fine with me too. Because it's our home and a big part of our life, even though its not living its still important. This is my girls first home. I know we lived in houses on base, but they never felt like home.....just something, ......well temporary. And I'm still getting used to not living in Texas......I know Altus is only 35 minutes away from mom and dad's, but sometimes it feels like worlds away. I wonder if everyone who grows up and moves away from their homes as kids feels like that. I love our new home, not because its big or modern or even glorious, I love it because it is ours.

We try to make our home a happy and inviting place to be. Our house may not always be clean (how can it with two toddlers), but it is always open to friends and family. One of my two best friends is coming to visit this weekend and I am sooooo excited. I think this is the first time since I've been married that she and her family have come to stay at our house. And its about time! I know, I know, it was really difficult to have visitors when we lived on base. But now that we have our own house I hope my friends and family come to visit more often ( if they can afford the outrageous gas prices) So to all my friends......you can come by whenever you want!!!!

My appreciation of nature

This is how I know that summer is close and the heat is not far behind. Its when the wheat starts turning from lush green to amber colored in a matter of weeks. Soon the harvesters and combines will be here making their rounds and contributing to their part of society. But there is something beautiful in it to me, watching the changes of nature. Like watching the trees bud and leaves bloom at the beginning of spring and everything that was brown and dry and dead come back to life again. Then when spring is in full session, the wonderful array of colors from all the flowers just brighten the whole world.

There may be more beautiful places in the world, places where the water is crystal clear and brilliant blue, or the vastness of the mountains takes your breath away, but to me there isnt much greater place than home in Texas for me. Sometimes the heat is so hot and dry, then the next day its pouring down rain, then the next its a little too chilly to be outside in shorts, but that is one of my favorite things about home. You can never really predict what the weather will be like on any given day. You have to take it one day at a time, and that is exactly how we should take life......one day at a time. We need to stop rushing and planning and just stop...........the world wont fall apart if our schedules arent filled in to the last minute.

It would do us all a bit of good to just stop and look at things from a different perspective. Thats why I like these pictures because they show a different angle of something we may take for granted. Have you ever really looked at the underside of a flower, or wondered what a bug might see from the bottom of a stalk of wheat?

Having two small girls has shown me that even the small things are still awe-inspiring. Watching them get down on their hands and knees watching a ladybug crawl across a rock, and be fascinated with the rain hitting the window, or to wonder why things the way they are makes me think more of what I miss in only seeing the "big" stuff. Why does a bird build a nest in a tree? and why does it thunder when it rains? and where does the flower get its scent? I know as grown ups we tend to have more important questions to ask and to answer, but arent the questions of a child wonderful? And isnt nature and all its splendor one of the best teachers?!

I took the pictures Thursday, May 15, 2008. A day when I actually took time to look at the world around me as if I were a child again. It was wonderful. I think I'll do it again soon.

Emari

Where did my little baby girl go? I cant believe how fast time goes by when you're not looking. I can still remember the day Emari was born. She was delivered so easily. It's amazing how little the pain of delivery is important now and how intense it was at the time. But she came to us without a problem. I also think its amazing how much love you can have for a person before you even get to hold them. Watching her being cleaned off after delivery, my heart was so swollen with love and happiness. I was just itching to get my hands on her. I had been waiting and wanting and hoping a long time for her. And now she was actually here, in my arms, so sweet and just like a dream I never wanted to wake from.

Watching her grow, and enjoying every precious second of being her mother, I know that I have been truly blessed. She has been the light in my life since I found out she existed. No matter what goes on, nothing ever changes the fact that I get to be her mommy forever.

She makes me laugh with her sometimes extreme personality and makes me feel wanted when she doesnt want anyone but me when she is tired. She exhausts me and drains my energy with her constant need to learn and explore things she shouldnt be into (like the toilet). She is the blessing I have always wanted and couldnt quite put into words. I wouldnt change a thing about my little princess.

Psalm 23- a soldiers prayer

Let us never forget our men and women giving up the safety of their homes and love of their families to protect the goodness of all mankind, to fight an enemy that is bigger than any one man can defeat. With God's help and protection, may our loved ones come home untouched by the evil that prevails in a world that threatens our way of life.

I wrote this version of Psalm 23 almost 5 years ago and found it the other day and wanted to share it with you........

The Lord is my shepherd, my owner, my creator, my protector.

I have everything I need, He is all I want.

He makes me lie down and rest in green meadows without fear, even though the enemy is close.

He shows me peaceful waters, not just raging rivers.

He renews my strength and mends my soul when I don't or cant do it on my own.

He guides me, doesn't pull me, along the path He has chosen for me, to bring glory and honor to His name.

Lord, even though the valley gets deep and darkness and death surround me, I will not nor do I want to be afraid, because I know that you are with me always.

I feel you protect me when danger comes and comfort me when sorrow and fear set in.

You take care of, protect, and provide for me in the presence of my enemies.

You want and welcome me into Your presence and anoint my head with oil to set me apart and make me special.

And my heart overflows with joy because you bless me beyond what I deserve.

I know Your goodness, Your mercy, and Your unfailing love will be with me all the days of my life.

And I will gladly and joyfully live for you and dwell in Your presence and in Your house forever and ever.

Amen

Watching them learn

I love to watch my girls learn to do something new. And right now Zoey is at that age where she is beginging to be able to know how to express what she wants and knows what things are. If you ask her is she is ready to take a bath, she will go and stand in front of the bathroom door and wait on you to open the door. And if you ask her if she wants something to drink or is thirsty, she'll go into the kitchen and stand by the counter where I usually pour milk into her cup. I tell her to bring me a blanket and she'll go and get the closest blanket she can find and bring it to me. But her latest new thing brings a smile to my face evertime she does it. I'll ask her "Zoey, where is mama's baby?" and she'll pat both hands on her chest and say "bebe." Its so incrediblly sweet. She is getting so big toooo fast. I'm definitly not ready for another one but I sure do miss my little babies.............Next week she'll be going to kindergarten.....oh if I could only stop time for just a little while to enjoy them wanting mama, cause too soon they wont need me that much anymore. But thats the joys and pains of being a parent I suppose. I just pray that I'm doing the right thing by them. They may be rotten monsters one minute and sweet angels the next, but they are all mine and I LOVE THEM.

The great Outdoors

I've never been known as the "out-doorsy" type. I'm not big on camping in a tent or spending my day in the heat. Give me an air conditioner/heater and a beautiful view and I'm perfectly happy. I'm more of what most people call prissy or girly. Dont get me wrong, I was raised to mow the yard and play in the dirt like my brothers...... But since we bought our house, a lot of work has been need to be done to our yard. And I find myself loving getting to do it (at least some of it). There is something about planting flowers, pulling weeds, triming trees, and picking up trash that makes me feel more human. I guess staying indoors too much is a problem I'm trying to kick the habit of. My girls love being outside and getting dirty. Anytime there is a door open they're headed staight for it. Where did my youthfulness go? When my brothers and I were kids, we played outside for hours and hours. I used to make them eat mud pies! YUMMMMMM! But I'm trying to figure out when I stop enjoying the outdoors. I dont mean just enjoying it from a window or a casual walk by, I mean actually being out in it and living. I think our world as a whole has become too satisfied with sitting in front of the TV relaxing instead of sitting out on the porch and watching the kids play like our parents and grandparents used to do. So I'm gonna try and become more out-going and enjoy the nature and beauty God has provided for me that I have been ignoring for far too long.

Beach Babes

Are these not the cutest little beach angels you have ever seen?

A day at the lake

Well, Emari and Zoey had their first few days at the lake. They loved playing in the water and riding on papa's boat. My dad bought a new pontoon boat and brought it to Altus to test the waters. I forgot how exhausting it is to be out on the water all day. The girls played and played and laughed and run all over the boat. It wasnt as nerve racking as I thought it would be because the boat has a kinda "little person proof" fence around it. They could fall out of the boat if they tried but its not as easy as it would be in a regular fishing or ski boat. Growing up on the lake, I guess I've learned that its not something to be that afraid of.... but still as a mom and someone who has a fear of drowning, I'm still very cautious. It was a good mother's day weekend, to get out and watch my babies enjoy something I grew up loving, being on the lake with my family.

Dad, Ross, and Wesley had a good time fishing. Wes has been waiting to get in a good day of fishing for sooooo long now. Poor thing didnt get to fish last summer because he was over in Kuwait doing his job for our country. He is so thankful to be home this summer to be able to actually enjoy the sun and heat instead of slaving away in it at an air base in the desert. I'm thankful he is home too. I missed him too much while he was gone. But he is here now and I think its gonna be a great summer...........

Mother's Day Thanks

Well, its almost Mother's Day. A day where everyone reflects on the important women in their lives. Its not just for mothers anymore. Its to recognize the moms, grandmothers, great-grandmas, aunts, and sisters, and friends who have inspired us to be the women we are today. The most important woman in my life is my mom. She amazes me with her capacity to love no matter what. She has loved me and been an enormous rock for me to lean on when I tend to want to test the waters of life and have at at few points almost drowned. She is the reason that I am alive and I dont just mean that because she gave birth to me. Her love is what kept me from ending my pain with ending my life after I lost Noah. I did not want my mom to have to hurt from losing a child the way I was hurting, so I sucked it up and drove on. Even when I ended up in drug rehab from all the pain medicine I was taking to numb my pain, she never once made me feel like a failure. She has never once judged me. Has never once given me any indication that I was a disappointment to her. I know she has hurt for me, with me and even because of me. And I'll be eternally sorry for that. I have always known my mother loved me and never questioned it, not once, ever. She has been there thru laughter when I was a little girl, thru the confusing times when I was a teen and learning to find myself, thru the aggravations of relationships, thru the pain of losing a baby, and thru the joy of having two beautiful daughters. She has been there every step of the way teaching me, encouraging me, and loving me. My brothers and I have had the blessings of a great and wonderful mother everyday of our lives. I think thats why my brothers have a hard time finding the right woman for them. Who on earth can possibly come close to such an amazing woman like our mom. I kinda feel sorry for their future spouses because the boys are mamma'a babies and the girls have big shoes to fill. So mom.....Thank you for absolutely everything!

I need your feedback

Hey! Please if you read this blog page please leave me a note to say hi at least. Just cllick on the comment line below the blog entry. Or email me. I'd really like to hear from my friends and family a little more. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just writing to make my self feel better. But even if you dont have anything to say about what I wrote, just say hi so I know you are keeping in touch some. And if you decide to start your own blog page (which I hope you do, honestly) leave me the site name either in the comments or to my email account. I'd love to read your thoughts for the day too.

Harry Potter as therapy?

I guess with Noah's 6th bithday coming up in less than 2 months, I get to thinking about him and the things that could have been. And I think, alot, about how I felt and the things I did to help me thru the pain. Besides crying alot and questioning every little detail of what happened, I did other things to help get my mind "sidetracked". I liked to color in Precious Moments coloring books. Mainly because it was a physical activity that didnt take alot out of me, emotionally or physically. And I seemed to be obsessed with Precious Moments stuff at the time. I've always liked them but I was gonna do Noah's room in Precious Moments Noah's Ark. I had all the bedding and wall treatments and stuff bought and ready to decorate his room, but never got to use it. (well until I had Emari and Zoey years later.) But I think my main outlet of emotional release was watching Harry Potter movies. I know that may sound stupid to some people because most people see them as kid's movies. And at first I was adimant about not wanting to watch anything about witchcraft. But one day Rodney(my boyfriend at the time) brought home a used version of it from Hastings or something and I gave in and watched it. Then I watched it again and again and again. That first couple of months after I lost Noah I probably watched it at least once a day and thats if I had to work, I'd watch it 2, 3, 4, times a day if I was off. I'm not really sure why I was so drawn to it. I think maybe it was the easiest way to escape my world and live in someone else's for a whilel My world hurt and the fact that I could emerse myself into someplace else was less painful for me. I also think I was drawn to Harry potter's character because here was a young boy who had lost his parents when he had only months with them before they died and this whole new life and a whole new world was being opened up to him with every minute. He was learning who he was and the good things he was capable of. I just seemed to connect with him. I wanted to be in that world. And with each new book or movie, I was able to continue watching Harry grow. Its like the connection never had to be broken, unlike those in my real life. Even now, I still watch my Harry Potter movies and have read all the books. Part of me is sad that there will be no more news of the wizarding world and its characters, but as a grown-up I know that its only fiction, and not really real. But I do get to keep on watching the movies over and over. Most people dont understand why Harry Potter is so impotant to me, but I hope this helps them see that that world got me thru one of the roughest times I have ever been thru. And I'm thankful for it.

My Noah......

Change is either good or bad, right? Well, I like to see all change as good even though I dont or may not feel it at the time. I'd have to say one of the most monumental changes in my life happened almost 6 years ago, and at the time I didnt see it as a good thing. It was the heart-breaking time when I lost my son, Noah, when I was seven months pregnant with him. When I learned that I was pregnant with him, my whole mindset changed. I guess you could say I switched over into "mother-mode." I was excited and scared and nervous. If you've ever been pregnant, you know what it feels like to have just about every emotion run through you in a matter of weeks, maybe even moments.......But I think that the protective emotion was the strongest. I began to realize that every thing that I did or ate affected my child, not just me anymore. So alot changed. Then after having my routine 5 month sonogram, we learned that something was wrong with him. Dr. Lamar told me that the placenta looked "boggy" and that the baby wasnt quite as big as he was suppose to be....so he set me up to see a doctor, a prenatal specialist, in the city (Ft. Worth) for the next day. As a nurse I knew something had to be pretty serious to be scheduled with a specialist the next day. So we went, and they measured and tested and looked, trying to figure out what was wrong. We had to drive down there every week for another sonogram and more measurements, not ever really knowing the cause or the answer to the problem. But I never once thought that something terrible would happen. I had hope and faith that it might feel rough and stressful, but I was naive enuff to believe that surely God wouldnt let me go this far without stepping into to do something. So on the last appointment to the specialist, if we could get Noah to weigh at least one pound then they would be able to do something more. They could take him out and give him a better chance of growing on the outside....it would be a struggle for him but there are lots of premature babies born every year and end up doing just fine......So when I was lying on the sono table with gel all over my belly and the doctor at my side....... She turned to me and said.....and I still remember her face when she said it......sadly she said "I'm sorry Robin, but there's no heart beat."...........OUCH! I never knew, never really let it in that, so much of my heart was wrapped up in that heart beat that no longer existed. My son was gone and so was part of my heart and my self. I think that they call it "losing" someone because of how lost you feel when you do. And I felt lost, not knowing what to do, or where to go, or how to feel, or what to say.....every thing was numb, well until the realization and pain hit. Then I just wanted it all to stop. Stop hurting, stop the cautious looks and words from people, stop the way I wanted to curse God for giving me something wonderful then just ripping it away. The pain was terrible.....no it was worse than terrible, it was torcher. Every breath hurt. Every baby, and holiday, and every dream I had were reminders that I wasnt a mom anymore, that I would never watch him take his first steps or hear him laugh or wipe his tears. I was incomplete............I kept having dreams that I had him with me and that someone was always trying to take him away from me, or that I knew he was alive somewhere and could hear him crying but couldnt find him. It HURT.
But through all of the pain, I learned that when God takes something from your grasp, something special, He is only preparing your arms to hold something that more important and special. I didnt see it at the time, but that change in my life, only sent me down a road to the blessings I have now.......to the wonderful husband I have, and the beautiful little girls who have softened my heart again and hold it together with their love. And even though the pain is never far away, and the slightest thing can bring it back again, I wouldnt change anything now. Because I wouldnt be the mom and wife I am if it hadnt been for the love and pain I felt from having and losing Noah. But selfishly I wish I could have both Noah and my life now. But I know God's taking good care of my baby and I'll see him again one day.........So change......yeah its a good thing.

The Altus Airshow

Well today was the Air Show at our base here in Altus. Mom and dad came up to go. We had to push dad around in a wheel chair since he just had a knee replacement on Tuesday (4 days ago). The girls just loved watching the "airpanes" fly close by, especially Emari. We see a lot of planes living this close to an air base, but we got to see some entertaining acts. A "dog fight" and some pretty nerve-racking stunts. If I had actually know one of the pilots, it would have been a lot more intense. But what I think the girls loved most was their nana and papa. I've said this before but I think that my dad was born to be a grandpa. He is such a natural with kids......if you've ever been a kid in his life you know he just has a way of making you feel comfortable and special. And he loves my girls tremendously. And my mom, the best mother in the world, just spoils them rotten. I hope I can love my kids at least have as much as I know my mom loves me. Well, here are some pictures of the air show......enjoy.